Light Bulb Moment #2

My brother and I have an amazing relationship. Granted, we didn't always, but since high school, we've been really close. He's one of my absolute best friends.

This is the kind of relationship I hope desperately that my kids have. And because of this relationship, my whole life i've always said I would have one girl and one boy, 2 years apart, when I got married and started making a family. This image has stuck with my for as long as I can remember.

For the past few months, Adrian and I have been trying to get pregnant again. Jaxson is now just over one and a half, and we've been struggling for 5 months to get pregnant, with no results. It is by no means at a point of concern yet, but because it has taken us so long when I wasn't expecting that, we have now blown past the time frame I had always envisioned, and that, subconsciously, has been a stressor for me! To be honest, I feel selfish that this has been a stressor for me after what a number of my friends have gone through trying to get pregnant, and beyond. But if I'm honest with myself, I can't deny that it has been a stressor...

My kids will now not be 2 years apart. They'll be 2.5 or more.

We have also been trying to have a girl, which clearly has not been working. This has also been a stressor for me.

The other day, Adrian and I had a really good talk about baby number two. He asked if I would be disappointed if it was another boy. I answered honestly. Yes. I admit, a part of me would be disappointed, because i've always wanted a girl. But in the same breath, I know that no matter what, there's no way I could be disappointed, because my kids are my kids and I will be thrilled regardless of what sex they are! In this same conversation, I talked about my relationship with my brother and how much that means to me and how I want that so badly for my kids. Adrian's response, which really hit me and made me stop short was, sex doesn't matter.... The relationship our kids have will be solely dependent on their personalities, and has nothing to do with gender!

It may seem so simple and obvious, but I thought about that statement all night, and the next day had a massive aha! moment.

Without even consciously realizing it, I had created a picture in my head of what my family would and should be like. I was unconsciously trying to control something that I have absolutely no control over.

Now, I know that I can't change or shape my family to be a certain way, and I most definitely do NOT want to, but by having this picture in my head, that's exactly what I was doing! Or trying to do. I have always been excited to see how my kids will grow up and who they will become, and I have never wanted to make them into someone other than who they are.

It really pulled me up and made me stop and evaluate my feelings and thoughts around my family and my kids.

And I re-realized something that i've known since we got pregnant with Jaxson. What we are given is what is meant to be. It took us a long time to get pregnant with Jaxson, and I was starting to get worried, until finally one month, it happened! And then when Jaxson was born and I really met him and have since watched him grow, I realized that it took us so long to get pregnant, because we were waiting for him, for THIS specific child, and he just hadn't found us yet.

I know this. I believe this. And yet, I have been trying to create an image that i've held onto since I was a kid, instead of just releasing myself to whatever we are supposed to have!

I couldn't believe I had been so stupid and controlling, without even truly realizing it. I cried. I laughed. And I finally released that image.

All I want is for my family to be happy and all of us to love each other. And the only control I have over that is instilling and encouraging that kind of relationship through honesty, open communication, love and acceptance. The rest is out of my hands. I also realized that if I do all those things and my kids end up not having the kind of relationship I want for them, then that is not my fault. I cannot feel guilt over that, I cannot feel responsible, because I will have done everything I knew how to do to build and encourage it.

I feel like there is this huge block... a wall... that has shifted from in front of me. A weight is off my heart that I didn't realize was there.

Now I feel lighter. I remember that we will get pregnant when we are meant to. We will have what we are meant to. Jaxson will be an amazing big brother, to a little sister OR little brother.

Clearly, I wasn't ready yet to be a parent of two kids.

Now I am confident that I am, and I cannot wait to meet our next little one, whenever he or she is ready to meet us!